Call Us a Circus
by Jayfeattheris Awesome
Summary: 'Javik, Garrus, Tali and Legion sat covered in soot, the very latter also having cabbage leaves sticking out of some of his joints. Garrus tapped his talons on the table nervously. The quarian engineer held a bag of ice to her head, and the prothean just looked annoyed about it all. Bailey leaned back and crossed his arms. "From the top. " he requested. "How did it all happen?"'
1. The Guilty Party

***Note: Takes place after the Geth dreadnought, but shortly before Priority: Rannoch**

* * *

The only sound in the room was that of Garrus tapping his talons on the table, and of Legion trying to clean the soot of his plating. Tali let out another woe-begotten sigh, and Javik simply sat silently, hands in his lap, his top set of eyes closed as he contemplated how they got into this ridiculous mess.

He simply thought; blame it on the Turian. Meanwhile, Tali wondered if there was anything she could have done to avoid the concussion she now had. Garrus quietly ticked down the seconds to the moment where Shepard would strangle all of them. Many of Legion's runtimes were focused on the action of cleaning, but others still concluded that, as the platform already looked like a walking pile of scrap, cleaning didn't really do much good, while yet other runtimes were monitoring the vitals of the organics next to him.

All heads shot up and looked around as the door opened, and Commander Bailey limped in, still recovering from the attack from over a week ago.

"Alright, I know the Normandy crew have gotten into trouble before." He said as he shut the door to the interrogation room. He pointed at Legion. "Don't think I forgot about that little air duct 'adventure' from last year, I still got grime on my hands. That time when your Krogan started a bar fight over a shrimp plate, and don't even get me started on _that_ one."

He waved his hand accusingly in Javik's direction, and the prothean glared at him. "I was not aware that I broke any of your overtly _sensitive_ laws."

"Disruption of the peace with expletives I'm certain your mother would've bashed you over the head for uttering, purposefully causing an elcor stampede- and did I mention grand arson?" the C-Sec Commander narrowed his eyes, taking in Javik's soot-blasted appearance. He looked to Garrus. "And you- I thought you were supposed to be 'the good one'. What've you got to say for yourself?"

"Ummm... it's Legion's fault?" he jerked his thumb in the direction of the Geth, who sat up, eye plates flapping in something that looked very similar to indignation. Tali scoffed.

"You know perfectly well that he did absolutely nothing!" she gave him a solid whack in the back of the head.

"Was our assistance in the situation inadequate?" Legion asked, and though Geth technically couldn't be 'offended' per say, it sounded awefully offended to Bailey.

"No, I didn't mean it like that!" the young quarian hastily corrected.

"Oh, causing mass hysteria, just _being_ an illegal AI, and, really, the part I don't get; assault of a _cabbage dealer_. I say you did plenty." Bailey listed.

"We acted under the assumption that the merchant was part of a hostile mercenary cell." Legion explained, shifting in it's seat. It still had bits of plant matter stuck between some joins, presumably from being thrown into a cabbage cart. "Allies were being actively threatened."

"Yeah, and I would just love to know why Garrus Vakarian committed grand theft auto and started multiple firefights." the Human was getting impatient.

"Um... is, Shepard behind that glass?" the Turian asked, pointing at the one-way mirror. A loud, angry rapping from the other side of the glass answered him. He flinched slightly, the ceiling light barely able to reveal the colony markings beneath the dried blood of the cuts on his face, presumably caused by the shattering crockery of an antique shop in Zakara Ward. "Right, um, so you see, the thing here is... I dunno."

"Javik, yank on his fringe for me." Tali, who was separated from the turian by Legion, growled, glowing eyes still managing to shine through the blackened mask of her suit. Someone had drawn a smiley face in the black powder, and Bailey suspected she hadn't noticed yet, somehow. The last prothean obliged he request, almost eager to punish the turian, and Garrus yelped as his head was jerked back forcibly.

"Hey! Just because you got a concussion doesn't mean you have to order one on me, too!" he hissed.

"Hey, settle down all of you. You're all in deep Thresher spit here, you're each going to cooperate with me." Bailey snapped. "Otherwise... Shepard's told me that she'll throw each and every one of you out the nearest airlock, starting fossil face here."

"Her sense of irony is fascinating, but not amusing..." Javik muttered under his breath.

"Alright, since you're supposedly a delegate, let's start with you, Miss Zorah." Bailey turned on his data pad's recording device. "When and how the heck did all this start?

"Well, for me..." Tali reflected. "It all started when I met an insufferably charming idiot named Garrus Vakarian."

* * *

 **I was bored in class and had a sudden, strange idea for a fic. I wasn't really feeling it for the next chapter of my Destiny series, so I just decided to post this and see where things go. I am, by no means, abandoning the Dysfunctional Fireteam series, I'm just throwing some crumbs out to another fandom. I've done a few cheesy one-shots for ME, but never a full fic, and I don't know if I'll even continue this.**

 ***shrugs* I guess I'll just see how well it's received and go on from there.**

 **Next Time: Tali gets thrown into a situation right out of a cheap action vid, and Garrus faces a ghost from his past...**

 **Cheers!^^**


	2. That Escalated Quickly

_"Not that far back!" Bailey threw his hands up. "Just- where were you, and what were you doing when you first became involved in all this?"_

 _"Okay, okay." she sighed. "I was talking to one of the turian diplomats; you know how my people are fighting above Rannoch right now, we need more medical supplies, in a desperate way. Anyway, there I was, minding my own business, when this crazy bosh'tet comes flying out a window!"_

* * *

Tali rested her head in her hand, running her fingers over her mask in despair. _People are dying! And I can't even get more supplies..._

There was a sudden roar in the air, and several people screamed as a vehicle burst out of a glass panel from somewhere far above. She screeched, and dove for cover as whoever it was came down along with a shower of glass along with a jetcycle.

 _ **"A**_ **jetcycle** _ **, Javik, not a 'jerpcycle'. That just sounds weird. When the humans made first contact, some drell saw a motorcycle in an old vid and decided to make a hovering version of it. it's like a skycar, but usually only for one person."**_

The vehicle landed violently, and the rider was nearly pitched off, coughing and winded. Gasping for breath in her terror, Tali rolled over, and saw, to her shock, a very familiar person on the ride.

"Garrus?! What the-keelah! You're bleeding!" she scrambled to her feet as he shook himself, trying to clear his head after the fall, and though he seemed to have griped the jetcycle like a lifeline, there was a deep cut bleeding on the side of his neck, as well as one on his fringe. As other people scrambled to get away from the scene, screaming, she rushed to his side, rezing in her omnitool.

"What the tash'ki is going on here?" she demanded, pulling his head towards her before he could protest, slathering medigel over the wound on his neck.

"No time to explain, get out of here before they see you!" he urged her, pulling away from her hands.

"Wha-"

"Go!" he demanded. More screams tore through the air as gunshots ran out, and the sounds of other motors running came from above before a skycar burst out of the same window Garrus had fallen from.

"Too late! Drive!" she jumped onto the jetcycle with him, wrapping her arms around his heavily-armored torso as best she could.

"Tali-" he protested.

"DRIVE, YOU CRAZY BOSH'TET!" she cut him off, and he started the engine. Her insides lurched uncomfortably as the jetcycle took off at a speed she would never willingly go at without a reinforced mask. _I should really look into a metal mask cover!_

She could hear more gunshots behind them as they took off into the skyway. She dared to look back, and saw a batarian leaning out the back window with an auto rifle of some sort, and their skycar was gaining.

"Go faster!" she told Garrus.

"What do you think I'm trying to do?" he shot back rhetorically. "Lose them in traffic?"

"You _could_ try that!" she called back. She let out a short scream as bullets whizzed too close for comfort.

 _ **"And you**_ **knew** _ **I was joking when I said that, Garrus. Don't deny it."**_

The turian wove in through the lines of skycars that littered the Presidium skyway. Horns honked indignantly as he shot up and down, weaving between and above them in a series of maneuvers both that the larger, heavier skycar their assailants chased them in couldn't preform, and that made her want to puke in her helmet.

 _ **"No, it wouldn't be unhealthy, just unpleasant. My filters would catch it up, and I'd have to change them later. I'd also be stuck with the smell until then."**_

She looked back again. They'd given up trying to keep up with Garrus' maneuvers, and were now flying above the traffic. The batarian, all four eyes glinting, took aim. Alarmed, she yanked Garrus' body to the right with all the power she could muster. He yelped with surprise, and skycars parted, the people in them likely terrified, as their pursuers fired.

"Thresher spit!" the turian swore. "We need to get them out of civilian traffic!"

"I'm open for any ideas! Preferably ones that won't get us killed!" she told him. His head swiveled from side to side, looking for an escape route as he dove the jetcycle downwards. He seemed to spot one, and sent them zooming out towards the tunnels linking to Zakara Ward. Tali looked behind her, and saw the skycar following as they entered into Ward Entry traffic. She soon lost track of them as Garrus brought them zipping between lanes in yet more illegal maneuvers.

"We, are _so_ going to get arrested after this!" she called over the din of the tunnel.

* * *

 _"By the way; 'I told you so.'" she boasted pointedly at Garrus._

 _"Oh, yeah, real mature, Tali. Real mature." he rumbled in response. The quarian looked back at Bailey._

 _"Come to think of it, you guys should've been on us like a bunch of geth on a mainframe within minutes- what took you so long?" she asked._

 _"Erm, just... continue where you left off." he told her awkwardly._

* * *

"I highly doubt that! We've done crazier and gotten away with it!" he shouted back. He sent them upwards, into the no-fly zone. There were bridges and construction platforms, repairs from Sovereign's attack far behind their five-year schedule. "Does it look like we lost them?"

Before she could look back and answer, the enemy skycar burst out in front of them. Tali screamed, and Garrus jerked the jetcycle into a roll, nearly pitching her off the vehicle. "Keelah!"

"I know that's you, Archangel! Just give up!" an enraged voice howled from behind him. Shock pulsed through her. Very few people knew about Garrus' 'secret identity'. As far as most of the galaxy was concerned, 'Archangel' was deader than most.

 ** _"For your own well-being, I suggest you strike that particular information from the recording. Just look where it got_ us _!"_**

"Hold on, Garrus!? Who _are_ these people?" she demanded.

"Not now, Tali!" he snapped back, swerving around a bridge. The skycar followed, gaining. "Do you have any tech mines on you?"

"At least one at all times!" she confirmed. She reached into her pocket, and switched the mine on as they drew closer to a particularly thick bridge. She twisted in her seat, and threw true at the skycar. It attached, and blew on the hood.

"Got you, bosh'tets!" she she declared triumphantly. Garrus slowed down so that the skycar-turned-fireball soared past them. She had just enough time to see the batarian screaming angrily, firing at random in their direction one last time, before Garrus jerked forwards with a pained grunt, and the jetcycle was sent out of control as one of the bullets hit true against it's front. "Garrus!"

He seemed to still be conscious, at least, as he tried to steady their descent. The skycar hit the bridge, skidding to a halt just on the edge, and Tali screamed as the front of the jetcycle hit the bridge, pitching both her and Garrus off violently. The back of her head smacked into the ground, and for a few moments everything went dark. _Thresher spit and varren fleas..._

There were no breach alerts flashing across her mask, so she guessed it was just her skull that was cracked, and not her helmet. She sat up, rubbing the back of her head, and a few feet away, Garrus groaned, clutching his shoulder. "Damn shields... still hurt like heck..."

She slowly got on her hands and knees and made her way over to him. She let out a breath of relief when she saw that, indeed, his shields had deflected the bullet, if not leaving him a little winded. They both looked up as viscous coughing filled the air from nearby. One of the batarians was dragging themselves away from the burning skycar, the bottom half of his body scorched and bloodied, one of his eyes missing from shrapnel.

Garrus rolled himself over with a pained grunt, and she put a steadying hand on his shoulder. Together, they stood, and the turian took out his sidearm. There was a hard glint in his eyes, and his mandibles were pressed tight against his jaws in anger as he limped towards their attacker.

"Alright, you _harum vik_ ; who do you work for?" he pointed his gun at the batarian's head. He looked up at the turian. And then... he stared to laugh.

 _ **"That's the moment I knew... these bosh'tets were crazy."**_

"What's so funny?" Garrus demanded. The batarian glared up at him with his remaining three eyes.

"He will never give up. There will be another man after me. Then another, and another after that. You will never find peace." he chuckled darkly, a cruel smile playing on his lips. "And your precious new crew never will either. The fossil and his species will be extinct by the end of the hour. Then your beloved Commander after that, and your sweet little quarian after that, and perhaps he shall have some fun with your asari friend before ending her as well. And when all of them are gone... _you will be next_."

With a glare that could have frozen suns, and make even a Reaper think twice about approaching him, Garrus knelt down. He grabbed the collar of the batarian's armor with one fist, and but the gun to his head with the other. In one ear, he snarled a single word.

"Try."

He pulled the trigger.

* * *

 **Garrus intensifies.**

 _ **harum vik**_ **: Mild turian insult; 'piece of varren turd'**

 **codythedude: Continue it, I shall.**

 **DRWPJT: He, yeah, a flashforward usually gets people hooked really fast.**

 **Andromeda: Hope you stick around! I really had to do my research when it came to writing Javik; I don't actually have his DLC, but I'm really hoping to capture his character well in this. Hope you keep reading!**

 **For those of you who read my Destiny series and are seeing some similarities... yeah, this kind of is a throwback to Fever. Like this story, it began with a flashforward, and the story had (sometimes hilarious)narrations by Prince Uldren throughout. After over a year, the series that sprung from that story has gotten it's humor meter dialed back a bit, and it's gotten a little bit edgier, and a little bit darker where Lyse and Martin's quest is concerned, not to mention angst-ier what with Sierra Rogers(just IN GENERAL, the poor girl's a mess), and Silverhawk's self-confliction with Ryan.**

 **There just isn't anywhere for me to put all the crazy at the moment when it comes to that series, and I need somewhere to put the crazy while we're still in that angst-y spot of the story, so it doesn't leak through(too much; it wouldn't be the Dysfunctional Fireteam series without a little crazy).**

 **So yeah, until further notice, all the crazy goes _here_. I just hope I can work in the humor of Fever with Mass Effect setting, I've never worked with these characters before.**

 **Next Time: Garrus tells how his side of the story began, and Legion needs a watermelon.**

 **Cheers!^^**


	3. Suddenly, Watermelons

_"Okay, okay, so that's where you come in." Bailey pointed at Garrus. "But how did this all start? When did these guys start chasing you, and why?"_

 _"I'll get to the 'why' part later, but as for when?" Garrus shrugged. "I'd say it was about... oh, thirty minutes after the_ Normandy _docked. I was going to go looking for a new scope, but Javik hadn't shot anything all week, so Shepard told us to go to Armax."_

 _"So why was flashy the walking lightbulb with you on security cams?" the C-Sec Commander waved a hand in Legion's direction. It looked at him in a way that seemed almost... dare he say_ offended _? "What, do you need to walk it every day?"_

 _"... he followed us because he wanted a watermelon."_

* * *

"I thought you didn't need food?" Garrus asked incredulously. Javik stalked unhappily at his other side, casting an occasional glare at the geth that had followed them. "What would you need a watermelon for?"

"Empirical data suggests it will improve moral for the Normandy's organic crewmembers. EDI agreed with our assessment." Legion explained. "However, this unit may cause disruption of public peace if seen attempting to purchase goods without an organic overseeing our actions."

Garrus stopped, rubbing his forehead with one hand. _And here I thought my days of 'geth babysitting duty' were over..._

"Give me ten minutes, Javik." the prothean let out a noncommittal grunt and went to wait somewhere where he wouldn't be seen; he hated being gawked at by 'primitives'. _Probably off to brood in a dark corner or something._

 _ **"As you could probably guess... we never even made it to the elevator."**_

It was only a few minutes later, as they were approaching the market, that a small body knocked into Garrus'.

"S'cus me!" the asari child shouted. He barely gave her a second glance, but after a few moments, Legion whirled around suddenly, and he barely managed to stop the geth from rushing after her.

"Legion, what the-?"

"Scans indicate the absence of your credit chit after your collision with the immature asari." the geth told him.

"Dammit! Stay here!" he ordered, running after her. A turian chasing a duct rat would cause significantly less chaos than a geth running down the child. He could only just make her out, running towards a skycar rental building. "Hey! Kid! Stop!"

 _Gonna be a lot longer than ten minutes!_ If he caught up with her, he'd have to call C-Sec, who would want to go through _all_ the lengthy processes of setting up the child with social services, and they'd want interviews, and-

 _Snap!_

That was the sound the door to the rental service made, and it was the sound that screamed through the comm piece of his visor. He jumped back, dizzied slightly as the same noise zapped through the cybernetics that controlled his hearing on his right side. When the sound was gone, so was every other sound on that side, and he swiveled his head, trying to get his bearings as the side of his neck tingled and went numb.

The girl was gone. The girl was gone, his cybernetics were disabled-how long until that started to affect his breathing, was the synthetic grafting on his trachea compromised?-and the HUD of his visor flickered and died. He tried to activate his omnitool. It didn't even fizz or sputter; it just was _broken_. He was unarmed, to make it even worse, he'd come expecting virtual versions of his weapons to rezz into his hands at Armax. _Well..._ mostly _unarmed. I've got my pistol, at least._

 ** _"And that was the moment I realized... 'Oh,_ craxin _'."_**

He jumped behind the nearest skycar as bullets shattered the air. Pain lanced through his shoulder as he turned his head to look out from behind it, the cybernetic tendons now disabled, limiting his mobility by an amount that he was very quickly uncomfortable with.

"You left a body bag back on Omega, Archangel!" a voice called from the back. _Well,_ harum vik _. They know who I am._ To be honest though, he was much less surprised than he thought he would be; he had a feeling this day had been a long time coming.

"Sorry to be rude, but I don't recall meeting anyone there and letting them live!" he shouted, reaching behind him for his sidearm. He really wasn't a pistol person, but he found a weapon you weren't the best with was better than no weapon at all.

"Empty threats aren't threats at all." the voice growled. _Sounds_ _batarian..._ " Why don't you come out from behind there, make it easier for us? Maybe, we'll even kill you quickly for your cooperation."

He spotted a jetcycle on display a few feet away. He let out an internal sigh. _The things I do to survive... I mean,_ honestly _..._

"Sorry, but I have plans for the evening." He called back. He made a run for the cycle, firing blindly in the direction the voices had come from, and hid behind it while reaching around to the top of it. His seeking talons found the start button, and he thanked the stars above that this was one of those dealerships that let people test drive, because the vehicle stuttered to life at his touch.

Hearing a lull in gunfire, he swung himself up into the seat, and kicked it into high gear. He let out a shameless scream as he sped into the glass(and anyone who'd ever heard a turian scream would know it was a hideous sound, like a dying animal of sorts), and the ground floor of the presidium rushed up to meet him as pain sliced through where the shattering glass cut him.

When the jetcycle hit the ground, it was like being hit with the thing, and he coughed, winded, as the screams of other people around him registered in his good ear.

"Garrus!?" pains hot through his neck as he turned it, startled, to look at the equally startled, very familiar quarian. "What are you- _Keelah_ , you're bleeding!"

* * *

 _"Hold up, we already know this part." Bailey stopped him short._

 _"Well, I thought it would be_ helpful _if you knew my perspective of the chase." he told him._

 _"We've got plenty of perspective." the C-Sec commander said wryly. "Almost one hundred and fifty witnesses of perspectives to be exact. Just-skip past the part where you shot that one guy."_

 _"Okay, then." The turian shrugged. "So, then were were_ both _in big trouble. And not the least of our problems was the glorious fact that my cybers were still offline..."_

* * *

The next time he shot up come Cerberus thugs, he was going to be especially violent as revenge for the fact TIMmy boy hadn't had the decency to supply Chakwas with EMP-proof cybernetics.

"Be cool, Tals." he urged as they sped-walked through the alleyway with her clinging to his arm, trying-and probably failing- to look like a couple pressed for time. His neck and shoulder were still numb, and the lack of hearing on his right was becoming increasingly disorienting and uncomfortable with each passing moment, especially considering they were probably being hunted.

"I _am_ being cool; _you're_ the on who's tense." she accused. He froze, stopping her with him. There were two men coming down the hall in the distance he didn't like the look of; two more batarians, in the same armor as the ones that had chased them. He guided Tali into another hall, and stopped to suck in breath as spots danced in his vision.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Cybers." he told her quietly. "They used an EMP to try and trap me."

" _Bosh'tets_." The quarian muttered under her breath, rezzing in her omnitool and waving it over the scarred side of his face. "I leave the ship for five minutes and you manage to get yourself in mortal peril _again_?"

"Since when have _you_ ever been in charge of my ding-dong ditching excursions to death's door?" he asked, falling back into the old routine. It felt safe, despite the danger they were currently in. She pulled him along down hall, tapping on her omnitool as she synced it up to his cybernetics.

"Since never, but I like to think that I help keep you in check when Shepard isn't around." she said. "Who _are_ these people, anyway? They're from your Omega days, aren't they?"

"Yeah, but I don't recognize the armor. It could be any number of people I angered back then, I've got a long list but it's on my visor." he tapped his signature eyepiece. "Which is currently out of commission."

 **"At this point, it was becomeing increasingly obvious; we should call Shepard."**

"I bet I could repair it." She shrugged. "By the way... how obvious was the trap _this_ time?"

"As obvious as an elcor fart." He shook his head. "And I fell right into it... oh... oh no..."

"What? Your cybers?" she asked, tapping frantically on her tool.

"No; I left Legion _alone_ in _public_!" At this, Tali groaned with despair. "Remember what happened last time-"

 **"Tali had a working comms system in her omnitool. We should have called Shepard, but we didn't."**

" _Keelah_ , yes. Let's just add that to our list of current emergencies." Garrus twisted back painfully to cast a glance behind them. The two batarians were behind them now.

"I see them." Tali muttered. "There's a storage room up ahead, looks like; lets hide there and get your cybernetics back online, I'm almost done."

They dodged into a large room, filled with various crates, before hiding in one of the closets. Garrus sat down, and Tali crouched next to him, taking out her boot knife. He eyed it nervously.

"I'm going to have to get at them physically; don't worry, I'll be careful. I'm no expert on physiology, but I think I know how to handle cybernetics without killing someone." she assured him, which did little to lessen his apprehension. He shivered as the tip of the blade stung his flesh.

"Just what are you doing?" he asked.

"Trying to EMP-proof your cybers." she explained. "This is important tech, Garrus, I'm shocked Chakwas didn't notice a flaw like this in these models. ALl cybernetics are supposed to be EMP-proof, it's law."

"I guess Cerberus wanted a way to weaken anyone who strayed from the flock if they needed to, if any of us needed this stuff." he almost shrugged, but remembered to hold still.

"I guess so." She agreed. He felt a sudden tingle, and all sound returned to his right side with a disorienting pop and fizzle. Slowly, feeling returned to his neck and shoulder, and he gave his head an experimental twist. No more pain.

 **"And what would you know? Things got worse."**

He was about to thank her when she gave a startled yelp, jumping and dropping her knife to the floor with a clatter.

"Tali?" he stood, worried.

"Looks like we got your cybers back online just in time!" She exclaimed. She might have said more, but there was a loud bang from outside the door, and they both stood, or sat, stock still.

"Oh, Archangel!" a teasing voice called out, muffled by the door. "We know you're in here!"

"How are they tracking us?" Tali whispered.

"Don't know. Are you alright?" he asked, voice low. He barely dared to move.

"My suit's major systems aren't affected, but I think we can count out calling for backup on this one." she shook her head. " _Keelah_ , we're going do die."

"Don't say that!" he hissed.

"You know, your prothean friend put up quiet the fight." the cool voice bragged in a voice that reminded Garrus of something gross and slimy passing through the air instead of words. _Dammit! They went after Javik? Why?_ "But of course, we couldn't have any of your... circus troupe ruining our plans. You'll understand. If you want, I can open the comms and let you listen when the team sends back word of their success? We really should thank you; a drop of that fossil's blood alone is worth millions."

"I'll believe it when I hear it." Tali snorted. He nodded; even minimally armed, Javik was probably more than a match for these clowns.

"We'll still have to get to him. And Legion; they've probably sent crews after everybody." he reasoned.

"And Shepard doesn't know... what if they sabotage the Normandy?" she shook her head with despair. "Can't believe I just said that; nothing can sabotage the Normandy!"

"Not with EDI on point." he agreed.

"In fact, I'm afraid we'll have to kill all you little misits; even the famous Commander Shepard has to get what's coming to her. And it will make for a wonderful punishment. All the people you care about... dead, at our feet. It will be-"

 _CRAAASH!_

"Ten creds says it's Legion registering the way our comms deactivated." Tali whispered.

"Fifty creds says he crashed through the wall." he upped the steaks. They shook on it.

The series of bangs, gunfire, and agonized screaming with a lack of recognizable friendly voices certainly pointed at Legions silent but violent fighting style. There came a point, when it was beginning to die down, that Garrus just couldn't take it anymore. "Now!"

He unsheathed the curved, karambit-like turian military knife from his side, and burst out the door. He came out right behind one of the enemy batarians, and stabbed him in the back of the neck, before ripping the blade out and launching himself at another nearby merc while he was still shocked. He managed to recover enough by the time Garrus reached him to grab his wrist, and they tussled for control of the blade. Garrus slammed his own head into the batarian's, krogan-style, sending him reeling to floor, where he didn't get up again. head ringing, he whirled, flipping his knife and ready to finish the fight...

 **"It took things five minutes to get better and even then, it was my least favorite person in this room. Don't look at me like that; it's your own fault for being a nihilistic killjoy."**

In time to see Javik knock two batarian heads together with a loud, unhealthy crack, stepping over the falling bodies with a look of distaste.

"I assume... you have an explanation as to why a primitive mercanary army is trying to kill me?"

* * *

 **Yup. Javik is... still Javik. I'm not going to lie; his part of the story is next, and it's the one I'm looking most forwards to, mostly because the last time I wrote a story in this style the person narrating had just about the same level of arrogance, and I can't wait to bring certain elements of that to the table again, because it made for some pretty hilarious moments.**

 **And... wow. It's been a long time since I've gotten no reviews for a chapter. This is is probably the only thing I'll update during the summer, I usually reserve this season for writing instead of posting, relaxing, taking a load off the stress of being a semi-famous author in the Destiny archive. Those of you who wrote popular fics will know what I'm talking about; that constant, nagging feeling that you've got an obligation to updat,e even when you've lost the fire for a story, like you owe it to the fans alone...**

 **Meanwhile, I have been playing the HECK out of the Destiny 2 Beta.**

 **Day 2; went into Destiny 1 crucible today. Went for zone B... nobody followed me. Later tried to switch from pulse rifle to a hand cannon by tapping Y; I got a sniper rifle instead and died horribly. Pressed and held Y to get my sniper rifle... switched to rocket launcher and blew myself up by accident instead. I thought I had grabbed power ammo, but it was the wrong game... problems continued when I ran into a room full of enemy Guardians, popped my super expecting Arc Staff... Instead, I wound up firing Shadowshot, the only Destiny 1 Hunter super I'm good with, and got so disoriented all my arrows hit walls and I got shut down from a 14-kill streak...**

 **Somebody... help me before I go on a raid and make these same mistakes...**

 **But seriously; as a Hunter main, I am amped up by just how great the Arcstrider subclass is; I was decent with Bladedancer for a time, but that sublclass was kind of mundane and I haven't come off of Nightstalker since I grew bored of it. Evolveing Blade into Arcstrider is seriously the best thing they could have done, it feels so much better, and it totally fits the 'super Legolas martial-artist Dexterity' type that the Hunters fall into. And D2 in general feels more like a proper RPG, like something Final Fantasy players could get into, especially now that random weapon perk rolls are gone. Each weapon is wholly unique, and I like that. I seriously recommend to anyone whe wants a new shooter; try the D2 Beta this weekend, even if you haven't heard of Destiny.**

 **I love giving people new video game fixations. That is legit the only reason I'm saying any of this. That, and I'm saveing chapter 25(EEEEE, A MULTIPLE OF FIVE) of my best fic for Septeamber, a few days before D2 comes out. I learned a long time ago; never post they day a great game comes out, because nobody will be reading fanfic, they'll be playing said game.**

 **Next Time: Javik does some house cleaning, the team split up, and one poor antique store won't know what hit it...**

 **Cheers!^^**


	4. Why This Cycle Is Terrible

_"How did you know where to find them?" Bailey asked. Javik looked at him with an expression most of the_ Normandy _crew had come to recognize as 'barely contained impatience'._

 _"I stole one of the mercenaries communications devices." he answered curtly._

 _"Yeah. And how'd you get it, exactly?" All four of the last Prothean's eyes narrowed at this._

 _"I killed the fools who were sent after me."_

* * *

Today, Javik had what the Commander had described as 'an itchy trigger finger'. The description was accurate, but not amusing as she seemed to think it was. While the holographic enemies in the Armax arena's were no substitute for the real thing, he needed more experience fighting Geth than what he'd simply been told about them, especially with the assault on the Rannoch base just around the corner.

Hence why it was ironic that a Geth was the reason he was stuck waiting for the Turian. He felt a sneer play across his face. The machine seemed to have disarmed even the more sensible primitives on the _Normandy_. It, however, did not fool him. He would never trust it. Ever.

He glanced up at the nearest clock. The clocks in this cycle were strange, he didn't like them. Not surprising; he didn't like most things about this cycle. A few of their guns, though, and _very_ few of them, he did like, despite the fact they had a bad habit of bruising him. The energy-based weapons of his cycle he little to no kick, but the kinetic-driven bullet-firing arsenal of this cycle recoiled like they were trying to kill you, so as a general rule he tended to stick with the few weapons he'd had on him when he went into cryo.

 **"I was waiting for the Turian when I noticed that several primitives were armed."**

He'd chosen to wait in a place that seemed generally out of the way, and hopefully the shadows would conceal him from lesser-sighted primitives. Considering he was probably a valuable target for the Cerberus Humans, he did not like being sighted. While he could easily kill any Cerberus that did chose to come after him, it was an annoyance he didn't care for, and quite frankly a waste of his time; the Reapers were his priority. Machines did not understand the concept of revenge, but that was besides the point.

At the edge of his wide range of vision, he saw several Humans and Asari, traveling tightly together. They were armed, but their form was sloppy, and they were doing a very poor job of flanking him. He glanced in the direction the Turian and that 'Legion' machine had gone in. There was still no sign of either of them.

 **"And that was when I realized... _someone_ did a poor job on station security."**

He shut all four eyes, and an impatient sigh escaped him. _Is there no end to the borderline_ idiots _that primitives will hire to try and kill me?_ Someone like Kei Leng, now, he wouldn't mind fighting. He was a worthy opponent; but these people, here? They might as well be insects, a waste of time. It wouldn't be the first sad attempt at claiming him that people from this cycle had tried, but it was certainly the saddest yet.

Well, it seemed wasting time would be a necessity today, but he didn't look forwards to whatever conversation this cycle's law enforcement might want to have with him. No doubt it would be a lengthy and unnecessarily long-winded debrief.

One of the Humans reached for their sidearm. He himself did likewise, but much faster, and the Human was dead before they hit the ground. With his free hand, Javik sent one of the Asari flying into the other, using his biotics to throw them both into the nearest wall. If the loud cracking noises were anything to go by, those two combatants would not rise again any time soon.

He was forced to roll to the left as the remaining mercenaries opened fire on him. He was backed against a wall, no cover to be had... he almost felt sorry for for these fools. He flared his biotics into a barrier, which, though in his own cycle would not have done much in the form of protection, was _very_ efficient in stopping the kinetic weapons of this time period.

Efficient in stopping them, but not in stopping the way the impacts still stung. In hindsight, he supposed one of the points to kinetic weaponry was to leave the enemy reeling if it wasn't a killshot. He brought his sidearm to bear and promptly shot two of the mercs in the head. Prothean weaponry focused more on the kill. Yet another reason why he preferred what he'd brought over.

The last merc jumped to the side to avoid being shot, but Javik reached out, moving his arm in a twisting motion as he did so, and snapped the man's neck with his biotics. He gave the area a once-over. No sign of reinforcements coming down the alley. He kept his gun out just in case, stepping over the bodies with the intention of going back to the _Normandy_ , when a voice came from what had to be one of the communications devices the mercs had.

 ** _"Jenkins, you better have killed that damn Prothean!"_** A kill order? _How unusual. Typically, they usually want me alive._ **_"_ One** _ **guy, those idiots couldn't kill** _**one _flipping guy!"_**

He tipped his head thoughtfully, stepping towards the body the comm piece was attached to. He must have broken it with his biotics, switched it to speaker. yet another example of how the technology in this cycle-

 ** _"How hard can it be to kill one_ freaking _Turian!?"_** he froze where he stood. **_"When you've finished up back there, radio me, then get your skinny hind end to my location. He got backup somehow, that_ idiot _must have been lying about the EMPs. We're hot on his trail. Kira out."_**

He bent down and took the device off the body. So, this wasn't about him. It was about the Turian? Logically, it could be any Turian she'd been talking about, but he had-what was that Human saying? A 'gut feeling'?- that if any Turian were capable of getting an army of mercenaries angry enough to go after Normandy crew members, it would have to be Vakarian. His skill was equally matched by how _annoying_ he could be.

Javik shrugged. Looked like there _wouldn't_ be time to get to the _Normandy_ for backup; no matter. He turned, device and gun in hand, and, ignoring the stares of the primitives as he walked, threw a bewildered Salarian out of his skycar, and turned the vehicle on. He'd never personally driven one of these things for a long amount of time, but he had read Shepard for a basic knowledge when he'd been forced to take the wheel during their maverick chase after Kei Leng.

How hard could it be?

* * *

 _Bailey gave him a dead look. He twisted in his seat, and gave a narrow-eyed expression of 'you're kidding me, right' at the blacked-out glass._

 _"Okay, I'm going to go on record and say that the count of reckless driving is_ your _fault, Shepard." he said. The light in the observation room went on, revealing an exasperated Commander Shepard. She hit a button they couldn't see._

 _**"**_ **My** _ **fault!? Javik's the one who was driving!"** she exclaimed._

 _"Technically speaking, he had the worst teacher in the galaxy." Garrus pointed out. "So yeah, it_ is _kind of your fault."_

 _"My navigation was only rudimentary because primitives," Javik said slowly, as if explaining something to a small and particularly annoying child, "Make poor choices in vehicle design."_

* * *

"Thresher spit!" he snapped as he nearly lost control again. _G_ _reat._ He thought enthusiastically. _Now I am using their expletives._

According to the device, he wasn't far from the Turian's location. If the mercs chasing him were as laughably unprepared as the ones Javik had encountered, it would be a great surprise to him if they actually managed to kill him, even if Javik was a little late because of his vehicle's _blatant_ design flaws. He eyed a smoking wreck of a vehicle that had been abandoned on a bridge.

Definitely _the Turian._ He didn't have to go down there and use his sixth sense to recognize Vakarian's special brand of chaos. He had the creeping feeling that he was about to become even more familiar with that chaos than he wanted to; whomever had done this was clearly dumb enough to underestimate his or her opponents, yet smart enough to try to cut the Turian off from his resources. _He has mentioned before he has many enemies._

He cut the thoughts off; he could speculate later, when he had more information. For now, he simply had to kill mercenaries and find out what was going on.

There was a rather large gathering of armed primitives expressing keen interest in a hallway down below. He pulled back on the brakes, and his head slammed into the dashboard. _AGAIN!?_ Sadly, there was a far distance from knowing how to do something, and putting that knowledge into practice. It was what prevented oneself from become a good surgeon just by reading about it on the extranet, or learning how to be a good sniper by watching other people shoot.

Unfortunately, it was also what prevented a Prothean, who could grasp a concept of something with a single touch, from driving a skycar(the fact that Shepard was the one he'd read to gain that concept aside). Even more unfortunately, was the fact that Javik did not recognize this as the source of the problem. No; like many who failed tragically at driving, he blamed the machine and not it's operator.

The skycar also did not understand this, for it was a skycar, and was unaware of the vitriol with which it's current driver sent it plowing into a nearby wall, and into several mercenaries.

 ** _"I do not regret informing you that I was forced to remove a wall to get to my targets. The vehicle was subsequently destroyed."_**

Having protected himself with his biotics, Javik kicked the door off the skycar with enough force that it went flying into a merc, who screamed as he was smacked into a wall on the other side of the room by the flying chunk of metal. The rest of the company was still too bewildered to react properly at the sight of him, and he was quick to take advantage, warping the air around several of them, causing them to scream as they were ripped apart at the molecular level. These mercenaries were the same as the ones he'd fought earlier; minimally armed, weak armor, and, he discovered while snapping one of their necks, even weaker conviction.

A term he'd heard the Commander use before came to mind at that moment; 'paper soldiers'. The fight was violent but otherwise brief, and he only had to make minimal use of his gun to kill nearly all of them. It was towards the end of the fight that he heard the loud bang of a door being kicked open, and a strangled scream as someone took a knife to the neck; the Turian's knife to be exact, it seemed he'd _finally_ decided to enter the fight.

 _ **"I do not**_ **appreciate** _ **how late you were to the battle. I will skip the pleasantries; they were long and pointless. "**_

"Definitely not Blues Suns, Eclipse, or the like." Garrus shook his head, as the three of them sat among the remnants of the battle. "They have more brains than this. These guys are all bark and no bite."

"Their gear is all junk!" the Quarian examined a bloodied pistol. "You couldn't kill a _pyjak_ with this!"

"Whoever is trying to kill you has low standards." Javik pointed out, sitting on the hood of the trashed skycar.

"Low standards, and a lot of creds for hiring half-baked mercs." the Turian gave on body a light kick. "If they had enough to get a wide-rang EMP, these are probably just some hopeless pieces of _harum vik_ that they're throwing at us."

"Why?" Tali tossed the useless gun to the floor. "What do they get out of throwing _bad_ mercs at us?"

"Perhaps to trick us, into thinking that they are unprofessional." he suggested. "Are there any clues as to which one of your enemies is doing this? The ones who launched mortar ordnance at your face, perhaps?"

"Nah, that was Blue Suns." the sniper shook his head, the twisted scar tissue from the aforementioned incident casting an unsettling pattern of shadows on that side of his face. "And to be honest, I made _a lot_ of people angry on Omega. This could be anyone..."

"Well, _that's_ helpful." Tali snorted sarcastically. "I say we find Legion, we get back to the _Normandy_ , get Shepard, and blow whoever's doing this into tiny pieces. It'll be just like any other Thursday."

"The longer we let whoever this is run around unchecked, the more traps they could be setting off." Garrus pointed out. "I... think I might know someone who can give us a lead. Back in my C-Sec cadet days, my partner had an informant on Zakara Ward; Stephen Barreli, an ex-red sand dealer who still kept one ear turned to the Citadel's darker side. Whoever this is had to have moved a massive amount of resources in a small amount of time in order to get this plan in motion; if Barelli's still around, he might know what's going on."

"That still leaves the problem of the machine." Javik told him. "And the Commander should know about this."

"Hey!" Tali exclaimed suddenly. She was standing over one of the bodies, turning something over in her hands. "This guy had a tactical cloak! We could use this!"

"I did not notice." he shrugged. She was looking _right_ at him. Even without his abilities, he could tell what she was about to suggest. And, his distrust of this cycle's technology aside, he did not like her plan.

"I can reign in Legion-it shouldn't be too hard, he's probably standing in traffic causing mass hysteria or something-, and after that I'll get to the _Normandy_." She strode over, and shoved the device into Javik's hands. Oh, how he _hated_ it sometimes when he was right! "You two can find Barreli and learn what you can for when we meet up. That cloak should make so you don't attract a lot of attention, Javik."

"It is inefficient technology." he held the small box up to the light, leering at it. It didn't look particularly fantastic or 'tactical'.

"It's the best plan we have." Garrus said, giving his weapon a once-over. "Take it or leave it. And be careful out there, Tali; no telling what other traps these _harush_ have set up."

 _ **"We took back alleys into the Zakara Ward. We found the enemy waiting for us and compromised on a plan."**_

"Figures." Garrus muttered backing into the shadows so he wasn't spotted. Javik raised his weapon, and was about to make his move when the Turian grabbed him by the wrist pulling him back, shaking his head. "No, it's too public, and they know it. It's too risky."

"In my cycle, we would not have let the chance of collateral damage stop us." Javik grumbled, holstering his gun.

"Well, this isn't your cycle, so deal with it." One of the few reasons he was able to get along with the Turian; annoying though he could be, he always spoke what he thought... often with no filters applied. It was thanks to that he was very rarely tempted to read him to know what was going on in that head of his... which was a good thing, because Garrus was the only member of the crew who actively tried to boot Javik out of his head whenever he read him, usually by thinking of something rather loud, unpleasant, or sometimes entirely nasty.

It was a shockingly effective deterrent. It was just as impressive as it was disturbing, and Javik had found he did _not_ like not knowing what one of his primitive crewmates was thinking. Fortunately, Garrus' brain-to-mouth filter rarely worked properly.

The Turian stuck his head out into the open cautiously, looking for a way around the problem. Suddenly, his mandibles parted in a predatory grin. "Gotcha. Okay, I have a plan."

Javik didn't like the look on his face. That was the look that 'Annoying Garrus' wore whenever his was about to pull some unpleasant prank on a crewmate, or make them suffer one his unreasonably long jokes.

"There's a bunch of Elcor out there, looks like a diplomatic party. All you have to to, is get up there with that cloak, and... well, just be _you_." Javik gave him a blank look, crossing his arms.

"And what would you mean by _that_?"

"Offend them. Get under their skin, spout off the biggest, baddest Prothean elitist junk you can think of. Cuss. Cuss _a lot_. Use insults that your own mother would have thrown out the airlock for using."

"Insults from my cycle mean nothing here."

 ** _"The Turian supplied me with a... cultural reference."_**

Garrus reached into his back pocket and took out a small, folded piece of paper. He gave it a wave. "This," he said,"is a list of curse words, in alphabetical order, from every species that has _ever_ set foot on the _Normandy_. I've even got that Prothean one you yelled in the shuttle once on here."

"You... _collect_ profanities?" such words were seen as a mark of unintelligence by most, and in his cycle, there had been very few major expletives. He still had trouble understanding why any species, even primitives, would need as many profane words that were one Garrus' list.

"For any occasion." the marksman gave a tiny bow. "And it helps when insulting other species... well, the lesser learned ones anyway. You can call them what they are and they'll know it... or you can call them what they are, and they'll have no idea how to take it because they won't recognize the word you're using. Comes in handy if you're trying to get under someones skin."

"I... suppose I can see the use in that, if you are interrogating someone." He took the list, giving it a quick read. It was shockingly long, which each word and it's meaning.

And it was in this moment, as he went through all the Human insults, that he realized... he was insulted _a lot_ on the _Normandy_. _Someone... many someones... are going to get thrown out an airlock when I return._ Garrus must have seen the way his eyes narrowed, and leaned forwards slightly.

"Just ah, do me a favor, big bad Avatar of Vengeance?" he asked. "Don't kill anyone. Shepard would have _both_ of us skinned alive before you can say... well, any of the words on that list. Personally... I suggest Rosehip as a punishment."

"What is Rosehip?" he tipped his head to the side in consideration.

"A kind of fruit, from the Human homeworld. It's got these little hairs all over on the inside of the seed pods, if you crush them up and 'accidentally' dump them in someone's bed, if they're a softer skinned species, they'll wake up and be itching all day." Garrus informed him. "But if you want to go hard core, use mucuna pruriens."

Javik snorted, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. 'Pranks' were beneath him. The Humans would pay in time, but he would handle it his way. He looked at the tactical cloak, and flipped it on, stepping out into the open.

If this were his cycle, other members of his species would have been able to see him as plainly as if he'd hadn't been wearing it at all. He looked down at his arm. He could see it easily, and he cast his gaze around to make sure there were no Batarians present, though he could not relax when he saw the enemy group was only made up of Humans and Asari. He made his way over to the Elcor crowd, and looked at the list again. With woeful sigh, he readied himself.

"This is beneath me."

* * *

 _"Whoa, whoa, okay." Bailey shot both hands up in a halting gesture. "We don't need to hear all that."_

 _"I was under the impression that some primitives do not mind profanities." the Prothean shot a meaningful look at Garrus, and the sniper shot an equally meaningful look back that said,very clearly, 'shut up'._

 _"Now, what were you up to while he was doing that?" Bailey asked Garrus. "Why'd you shoot up that shop, Garrus?"_

 _"Well, technically speaking, there were more swords involved than bullets." At the C-Sec's raised eyebrow, he added with a lopsided Turian smile. "Antique store, remember? As in... antiques of all kinds."_

* * *

Garrus clapped his hands together in a moment of victory as the disembodied voice of Javik started going off on a _very_ rated R tangent on why this cycle was so terrible. _Why do I get the feeling he might actually be enjoying this?_ The group that had been looking for them halted in shock as the went on, staring in Javik's general direction but obviously unable to find him.

 _ **"With those yahoos distracted, I went and found Barreli."**_

Casting one last glance at them, he hastily made his way through the crowd, and down the streets. It had been years since he'd been in this part of the ward, he'd been assigned here with his C-Sec mentor back in his cadet days, soon after his mandatory service had been completed. It felt like a lifetime ago, like everything that had happened the last three years had always been the way his life had went, like there had always been a Normandy, always been a Commander Shepard, always been the threat of the Reapers.

The rash and headstrong Garrus Vakarian, C-Sec cop with a penchant for rule-breaking, was nowhere to be found. Shepard had beaten that rashness out of him, he had started putting that headstrength into fighting reapers, into Cerberus, and these days, he only broke rules if he had to. C-Sec Garrus, he thought, had died on Omega, though at what point, he didn't know, because he had certainly been different by the time the missile hit him.

And Zakara had changed, as well. He felt his mandibles flick in surprise as he found Barreli's store. _Wow, okay... he's changed businesses. Why, oh, why, do I feel like my destiny is calling me right now?_

'Barreli's Shoe Shop', was now 'Barreli Antiques and Pawn'. He crossed his talons. Maybe hoping for luck, maybe hoping things didn't get so bad it came to a fight. He looked around. Nobody who seemed to be armed. It was only a matter of time before C-Sec responded to reports of an invisible troll shouting rude things at people. The store was empty too, and he counted his good luck.

"Barreli?" he called softly. There was some pretty old stuff in here. Artifacts from different species; pots, cups, vases, other old crockery and baubles lined on white shelves. Fine china, model ships( _Shepard would love it in here, she doesn't have half of those_ ), ancient weaponry, polished and re-forged, hanging in glass cases to be admired. More glass cases were filled with jewelry near the front desk, and he noticed the taller one next to it was filled with knives from all species.

"Hello?" he called again.

"One moment!" came a voice from the back. "I'll be with you, just give me a sec!"

Garrus sighed and leaned against the knife case. He killed the time by looking at each blade in turn, and soon decided, as the Humans would say... Barreli was selling snake oil. _Delaminations on that one, cracks in the spine on that one, wow, some lazy hammer work on that one... yikes, I wouldn't trust that handle with my life!_

 ** _"By the way, all his bladed stuff was total snake oil. Worst I've ever seen."_**

 _I might just have to tell C-sec on this guy for selling broken weapons!_ He supposed nobody was about to use antiquated knives on a Reaper Husk, but then again, a 'broken and dangerous weapons' charge would hit better in court than 'fake goods' these days.

"Well then, lets..." the middle-aged blonde Human stopped short as he stepped out of the back room, looking surprised. "Hold up, do I know you from somewhere?"

Garrus had made sure his scars were facing the door. "Yeah, met a few years back, I think. You were an informant of my partner's?"

"You were one of Tactus' new bloods." Barreli nodded. Garrus met his eyes, but was careful to keep his head at a cant. "So, what brings you back here?"

"Same reason Tactus keeps coming back to you. I need information. Someone's been moving things around. Troops, traps, resources. Trying to catch... huh, well, you wouldn't believe me if I told you." he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Yeah? Try me. I might know something." Barreli shrugged. "We're fight'n a war against giant space cuttlefish, I doubt anything you can say will be crazier than that."

"Okay. They're trying to trap Archangel; vigilante from Omega. The crazy part is that he died months before the war started, got too many people angry. people with guns; big guns." he mimed the scale of said weapons by spreading his arms. "Now, what can you tell me about anyone trying to catch a dead man?"

"I can tell you they ain't messing around." Barreli looked him in the eye... and there was something in that hazel color Garrus just didn't trust. "I can tell you he's try'n to cut Archangel off, and he's throw'n cannon fodder around everywhere to push him where he needs 'im. I can tell you that he's in the Red Sand business, and he's got a lot of nasty reasons to put Archangel down. I can also tell you, you ask a lot of questions, _Vakarian_."

Garrus reached for his pistol, not pulling it out, but maintaining a tight grip on it. Barreli had a dark look in his eyes. "Ones that can get you killed."

He moved away from the desk, and for a moment Garrus thought there wasn't a threat after all.

 ** _"Surprise, surprise; it was a trap."_**

Then the top section of the knife display blew out, and he screamed with pain as glass dug into his face. He threw himself to the floor as more explosions caused more glass, crockery, and splinters of wood to fly all over the place. He covered his eyes with his hands. he couldn't feel any glass in them, he didn't think he'd been blinded. _That was close!_

When the explosions stopped, he heard people screaming outside. Garrus jumped to his feet and made a run for the door, but threw himself behind a shelf when Barreli lifted a rifle into view and opened fire. More screams from outside. _Dammit, this was a trap!_

He _had_ to get that weapon away from him! He reached for his pistol, and his talons closed on empty air. His pistol! "Thresher spit!"

What was he supposed to do now? He looked around, and spotted several of the bladed weapons that had fallen on the floor. Now, Garrus had never been an adept at the art of knife throwing. But, he knew the ropes, and the only people on the _Normandy_ with an aim close to his were Shepard and Javik. So when he rolled out of cover, just long enough to launch the cheap knife at Barreli, he struck true. The Human screamed as the knife bit deep into his arm, and Garrus followed up this attack by taking one of the old Human swords, and charging right at him.

 ** _"I just want you to know... that fight crossed several things off my bucket list."_**

With his good arm, Barreli took up a blade of his own as Garrus jerked the rifle out of his hands and threw it-a piece of junk like everything else in the shop-to the side. He jumped to the side to avoid Garrus' swing, and made to stab the Turian with his own sword. Garrus knocked the blade off course with his arm, the metal scraping off his arm guard harmlessly.

He tried to go for the throat with his next swing, and Barreli jumped back, before trying to go for the Turian's legs. He blocked him, and tried to twist the sword out of his hand, but the Human dared a kick, and struck true on Garrus' ankle. The _Normandy_ 's resident sharpshooter staggered back slightly, and went on the defensive as the Human started to rain blows down furiously. Given that Garrus had never used a sword before, and Barreli seemed to have at least a basic knowledge in using them, he was at a natural disadvantage.

Locking blades with Barreli, he threw himself forwards, backing the Human violently into one of the broken displays. Barreli pitched, kicking him in the gut, and he staggered backwards, given little to no time to protect himself from the next swing. It was very clear he'd intended to do some massive damage with this one, too, because although it didn't connect, it hit with enough force to knock the blade out of Garrus' hand.

He heard the door open just as Barreli made to drive the sword home into his stomach. Bracing himself for the pain, Garrus grabbed the blade, clenching his jaw as it bit into his reinforced gloves. He yanked the sword out of Barreli's hand and threw it away, the Human having only one, shocked half second to process what had happened, before Garrus' fist connected with his jaw, the cracking impact of which sent the Human reeling to the floor.

He looked up at the entrance. There was nobody there. Either the motion sensor was glitching, or...

"Ahem, you're still invisible, Javik." he gave a meaningful cough. A few seconds later, the Prothean materialized. He took in the state of the shop, and his gaze fell mainly on the Turian's barely conscious opponent, laying on the glass-covered floor. He pointed at one of the discarded sword, a questioning look on his face. It was just one of those 'only with the _Normandy_ crew' moments where words couldn't be formed to ask questions. So, Garrus told Javik the general rule regarding these kinds of situations.

"Don't question it; it just _happened_ , okay?" he shrugged. Barreli moaned with pain, and Javik strode over to join him, the two of them no doubt making for a terrifying sight for the Human as he rolled over on the glass.

So what the heck was he laughing for? His teeth were red with his own blood as he laughed, making for a very unsettling image, indeed.

"What's so funny, pyjak?" _I've been spending too much time around Krogan._

"You've got spot on your necks. Both of you." he chuckled. Garrus had less than a moment to process what he said before a sharp pain lanced through the back of his neck. Beside him, Javik started, clapping one hand to the back of his neck. reaching around behind his fringe, Garrus' talons found something long sticking out of his neck scales, and, wincing, he pulled it out as a sudden wave of dizziness crashed over him.

 ** _"Yeah, you know what? I said the exact. Same. Thing."_**

It was a dart. Long, silvery, and covered with his blood. He and Javik shared a look.

"Really? What, was this the most cliche thing they could come up with?" With that, both of them collapsed on the floor.

 ** _"I know! Honestly, this whole thing was like a cheap action vid, or one of those old Human spy movies!_**

* * *

When Garrus came to, he was uncomfortably aware of how his glass wounds stuck to the floor. His head was pounding, and it felt like the inside of his skull had been lined with fuzz. With a groan, he tried to move into a more comfortable position, but he found his hands were tied behind his a sharp intake of breath he struggled to roll onto his side, as his memories caught up with him.

He looked around, and found himself in a gray room. The door was metal, and didn't look like it would move easily.

"Javik?" he called out hesitantly.

"Accounted for." The Prothean's voice was terribly muffled. He was about to let out a breath of relief when another voice startled him.

"Garrus!? Javik!?" Her voice was muffled as well, but not as badly.

"Tali!?" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here, what happened?"

"I don't know. One moment, I'm looking for Legion, the next... I think someone introduced some sort of gas into my suits filters, it knocked me out. What about you two?"

"Sleep darts." Javik's voice was ripe with vitriol and an 'I can't belief this happened to _me_ ' tone. "After the Turian engaged a traitor in the sword fight."

"A _what_?" Tali didn't seem to know what to think about that. "Garrus?"

"I lost my pistol, I'll tell you about it later." He winced as he shook his head. "Any idea where we are?"

"No, just that they want us... or maybe you, rather, alive. Perhaps for torture. It stands to reason." Javik answered.

"Well, lets-" he was about to suggest every plan he could possibly think of, when there was a scream from beyond whatever hall their cells were in. Screams, a loud and ominous cracking sound that had to be someone's neck, and gunshots aplenty.

"Javik, can you use your biotics to break us out of here?" he asked. Time was now of the essence.

"No, the enemy was... excessive, in restraining me. I cannot even move enough to free myself." Javik admitted.

"Thresher spit!" Garrus snapped. He struggled, pulling his legs close to his chest as he attempted to work his arms around to the from. There was the sound of a door opening. Heavy footsteps, maybe mechs or someone with armor. His struggles pitching into desperation, and he was certain he might hurt himself, when, suddenly and quite shockingly...

Someone ripped the door open at it's frame, bending it so whoever it was could fit through the hole. At first, panic seized him... until he realized he was looking up at a very familiar faceless body, a single eye lighting up his prison.

 ** _"And that, my friend, is the only time I was ever happy to see a Geth ripping doors apart to get at me."_**

"Legion!" he exclaimed, the tension leaving his body. The Geth's eye flaps lifted as one.

"Garrus Vakarian." it greeted, stepping into the room. On the floor in the hall behind it, for some reason, was a cabbage. "We are here to retrieve allied assets."

* * *

 **Oh, Legion, didn't anybody ever tell you it's rude to steal other people's vegetables?**

 **DRWPJT: Thanks, I'm glad you think so. Writing Javik is really hard, since I never did a play through with him in it.**

 **BeepBoop2.0: I shall! ^^**

 **The Frozen Sentinel: Someday, I shall complete this fic, and I shall have to stop adding to it because it'll be completed.**

 **seabo76: Yeah, I haven't been on top of things for all my fics recently. A year ago I was popping out updates every two days!0-0 I hope I did Javik justice, I had writers block for a while and didn't know what to do with him. The new Destiny 2 In Orbit soundtracks are what slapped me out of my writing coma for this fic.**

 **This Is Sarcasm: I was actually thinking of Uldren when I wrote his parts. I kind of miss my Fever glory days... updating three times a week, no reviewers, the new kid on the block, a rising star... I guess this fic is kind of the result of me missing that, a bit.**

 **Marika Haliwell: Thanks!^^ And I'm glad you think I've written him well!**

 **Man, well, it's been over a month, now , has it? I have a perfectly acceptable excuse; I broke my wrist a few weeks back, and writing this chapter was a nightmare. It was way slow, and not productive at all. I'm not going to be writing until my wrist gets better, as such, so that I can get things done faster. It won't be long now.**

 **What else isn't long now? The Destiny 2 launch! The launch trailer was fantastic, and I can't wait to spend days staying up till midnight playing the game once it comes out! Sadly, this new interest might result in a lack of love for this fic, so sorry if it takes a while to get Legion's chapter out.**

 **All that being said, how did I do with Javik? I kept trying to come up with ways to write how his reading abilities might work, but in the end I just couldn't, hence why he didn't use that particular skill set here. I did my best to capture what I've seen and heard about his personality, but I also tried to fit in some stuff that was never touched upon; like his interactions with technology from this cycle. Despite his abilities, he's still a fish out of water... a fish that would probably smack anyone in in the groin who tried to help it back into the river, using the resulting momentum to send itself home. Basically, a jerk fish with some pretty butt-kicker moves.**

 **Next Time: Legion dangles mercs over a bridge, crawls through air ducts, rescues the gang, and adopts a cabbage while he's at it.**

 **Cheers!^^**


	5. Brassica Oleracea(Var Capitata)

_"Okay, hold up; where do_ you _fit into all this?" Bailey asked, pointing at Legion. "How'd you get there, and why didn't we get any reports of mercs shooting at geth?"_

 _"We tracked major mercenary activity relating to a data store implanted in a strain of Brassica oleracea var. capitata." Legion told him. The mans eyebrows shot up. He pointed at the geth, and gave Garrus a confused look as he sought explanation._

 _"Pretty sure that's 'cabbage' in 'sophisticated nerd speak'." the turian offered._

 _"They hid valuable data in a_ vegetable. _" Javik let off a rare laugh; the condescending kind, which was probably the only kind he knew. "Primitives are_ stupid _."_

 _"Well, if you think about it, it's so stupid nobody would suspect it. So, in a way, it's probably ingenious." Garrus, drawled, waving his hand around. The start Javik gave, along with the expression of annoyance, told Bailey that somehow the turian was one of the few people who gave as good as they got when it came to the prothean's rudeness. "But yeah; I've seen a lot of weird stuff working with Shepard... but that was kind of unusual, even for a_ Normandy _crew adventure."_

 _"Legion?" Bailey asked. "What happened after Garrus left you near the markets?"_

 _"We detected anomalous reading from a merchant supplying Brassica oleracea var. capitata."_

* * *

The platform spent several minutes standing where Garrus Vakarian had left it. Surrounding organics gave it looks of mistrust, confusion, and, on occasion, fear. It did a quick local scan to find out where Garrus was... and found nothing. It scanned again.

 _Negative signals for all technology on Garrus Vakarian's person. Negative signals for all technology within eighty meters of last known position. Possibility of EMP interference; 99.99%. Possibility of personally cataclysmic physically violent contact; 80.49%._

* * *

 _"Okay, whoa; can I just ask why you would assume_ that _?" Garrus interrupted, not two minutes into the geth's explanation. "Just because I go off the grid doesn't mean I'm in mortal peril. Maybe I just want to be left alone for a while, or I'm in a no-tech zone."_

 _"It is part of a logically sound algorithm we developed during the Collector mission." Legion told him._

 _"You do have a bit of a history, Garrus." Tali pointed out. The turian cast her an exasperated look._

 _"Oh, come o- Javik, a little support here."_

 _"...You have a habit of getting blown up when you go comm silent."_

 _"_ Glad _to know my crew has_ so _much faith in me."_

* * *

It came to these conclusions in the space of less than a second. In the time it took for one paranoid asari to realize her omnitool wasn't working, therefor she couldn't report a geth on the Presidium to C-Sec, Legion had already completed a hundred and eighty-nine local passive scans for incriminating technology.

It found one. Oh, it certainly did.

Before anyone could really comprehend what was happening, the geth was was rounding on a nearby merchant, selling cabbages. Before he could realize that the synthetic was looming behind him, the middle-aged man with a grayed goatee found himself being unceremoniously jerked from the floor by the back of his shirt. His batarian customer scrambled for safety with a vegetable in his hands.

"Hey! PAY FOR THA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" his indignant call rose to a high-pitched scream as he was turned in the air, to look his attacker in the face... if there was a face to look at, instead of the glowing crimson eye of the geth he was now facing.

"Scan indicate you are hiding valuable intel withing your goods. Explain, and tell us where Garrus Vakarian is." the geth asked. it gave the man a light shake as he continued to scream. "Cooperation will result in your release. We are attempting to prevent bodily harm from occurring to persons in this area, an-"

Legion was cut off as an asari sent it flying into the cart with her biotics, using one hand to attack, and the other to yank the salesman out of the geth's grip. So powerful was the blast, that both Legion and the cabbage cart were sent flying over the railing and down into the lower levels of the Presidium, much to the dismay of those who had, on that floor, been running from the scene where Garrus and Tali had taken off from with mercs shooting at them, and much to the horror of the cabbage salesman.

"MY CABBAGES!" he cried, gripping fistfuls of his gray hair.

Meanwhile, the cart, cabbages, geth and all hit the ground with an Almighty crash. People turned and ran, some of them having just thought they may have outrun the vehicle shootout that a certain turian and quarian had started, only to presented with yet more death from above. One man came to a grinding halt, and started rocking himself with his arms around his knees.

"The sky is falling... the sky is falling... we're all going to die..." he whispered in horror. "It's the Reapers doing all of it... has to be... the sky is falling..."

 **"We retrieved what we considered vital intelligence, suffering minor bodily damages in the process."**

A hand shot out of the pile of ruined vegetables, a cabbage held high triumphantly by three metal fingers. remaining bystanders gawked even more widely. Legion shoved the rest of the cabbages, and roughly have the ruined cart, off of itself, and the people ran screaming in the opposite direction. Still covered in leaves and various plant bits(much of which was now stuck between various joints), it settled on what remained of the cart and scanned the cabbage it held.

There was an OSD implanted deep at the core of the plant, and initial scans indicated it had a large amount of data on it. For several seconds, the geth just sat there, analyzing the situation.

 _Garrus Vakarian unaccounted for. 88.03% chance of violent altercations responsible. Safety of a_ Normandy _crew member has been compromised, foul play has been evidenced. Severance of all local communications supports this theory. Standard expected protocol for reporting missing or injured persons in civilian area listed as first course of action in this current situation. Communications with_ Normandy _have been severed. Course of action chosen._

It stood and walked towards the nearest air duct.

 **"We had to use covert means to reach our destination, in order to minimize civilian panic."**

The C-Sec office was still a mess from the attack. But, as least the staff room was mostly intact. Some jerk had nicked the coffee maker, but other than that, things were okay. Until now, as Callert munched on a doughnut; or rather, the salarian equivalent to a doughnut.

They were all chatting and talking as usual, griping about prank calls, or complaining about all the noise the citizen militia was making as they trained in practically every shooting range that could be found on the station(save the Specter-reserved ones). And then they heard it. A banging in the air ducts, like something was coming their way.

"Uh, we might have a situation in the staff room..." Callert called in on his radio, watching the grate nervously. Was that a flash of light he saw on occasion? Was it too much to hope this was just another lost repair man, or a very turned-around duct rat?

Then, 'it' burst out. The head of a geth! And people screamed, reaching for sidearms.

"We wish to report the possible injury of a crew mate, in accordance to standard-" it didn't get the chance to finish it's sentence before several officers open fired. It's head disappeared as it backpedaled, and, far too fast for a geth, there was a banging in the pipeworks once more, before all was quiet again.

* * *

 _Bailey gave them all an incredulous look._

 _"Are you telling me... that out of the four of you," he pointed at all of them with one very powerful finger of accusation, "the robot was the only one who thought to call the cops?"_

 _"We are not a robot. We are a-" Garrus cut him off._

 _"Well, your guys did shoot at him, so how about we give_ them _some high praise, for being idiots." He sat back with his hands folded behind his head. "Good deed don't mean much if someone tries to kill you for committing it."_

 _"Whatever." Bailey shook his head. "What did you do next, Legion?"_

 _"We extracted what data we could from the OSD using available resources. We managed to track now it's intended owner; 'Stephen Barreli'. We apprehended him some hours after his confrontation with Garrus Vakarian. He attempted to evade pursuit."_

 _"What'd ya do to him once you caught up with him?" Bailey really didn't want to know the answer..._

 _"We interrogated him using techniques commonly applied by Shepard-Commander."_

* * *

The man screamed, his face still a bloody mess from a blow decidedly from someone around Garrus' height, if the placement of the swollen bruise was any tell to go by. He screamed, and screamed, and screams, as Legion dragged him over to the edge of the bridge by his ankle, and proceeded to dangle him in the air over the traffic of skycars below.

"Let go of me!" he screamed, struggling(which Legion observed was not only futile, since geth have such strong grip, but counterproductive to staying alive in his current position). "Let go of me, you deranged bot!"

"You will tell us the status and location of Garrus Vakarian." Legion told him. "You will be released afterwards with no further bodily harm."

"Go space yourself!" the man spat, kicking with his free leg to try to loosen Legion's grip. He wanted a looser grip, did he? The geth let it's hand relax, just enough that the human's sock began to roll up along his ankle as Legion's hand slid. At this, Barreli began to panic more.

"No, no, stop! Please stop, no!" he begged.

"You will tell us the current status and location of Garrus Vakarian." Legion restated, voice taking a dangerous tone that it itself didn't recognize or apply with premeditation. To an organic, it might have sounded like 'anger', but Legion didn't recognize such emotions.

"Never!" Legion removed one finger from around Barreli's ankle. Threats to the _Normandy_ crew would _not_ be tolerated. They had to be eliminated.

"Okay, okay, fine, fine; just please stop, please put me down! Stop, stop, stop!" the human cried frantically.

"You will be released afterwards with no further bodily harm." Legion told him.

"But-" he flustered.

"You will be released afterwards with not further bodily harm." the geth said firmly, looking him in the eyes the best way any geth ever could. He whimpered, chin quivering, face red as the blood that pumped through his veins, bruises purple and grotesque against his cheek.

"H-he's in Tayseri ward, with that four-eye creep he had with him!" Barreli gasped. "H-he was just knocked out! They took him to their base out back of Dilinaga Hall! I don't know noth'n more, man, I don't know nothi'n more!"

"We believe you." Legion pulled him back over the edge, and dropped him unceremoniously to the floor. The human went limp with exhaustion and relief, and Legion took the opportunity to handcuff him to the nearby maintenance ladder.

"Wait, what're you doing?" he asked, tugging on the cuffs and coming alive as he realized what was happening. "What're you doing!?"

"Local authorities have been alerted." Legion told him as it walked away, not looking back. "You'll be apprehended for attempted murder."

"Wait! Wait! WAIT!" it continued to ignore his screams, picked up the cabbage where it had left it near the door to the catwalk, and left with the vegetable tucked under one arm.

 **"We followed the directions as given, and infiltrated the enemy stronghold with unconventional warfare."**

"So... did you see that Armax match last night?" A tan and gray-armored guard asked the other, in the back alley behind the Hall.

"Totally. That move with the biotics; totally tubular." The other one, somewhat chubby, replied. The first guard gave a start.

"What was _that_? That was horrifying." he asked.

"What was?" the other human's brow creased in confusion.

"'Tubular'?" his companion made air-quotes. "What are you, from the nineteen eighties? No wonder you're not married."

They both went for their sidearms as something rolled into the alleyway. Something green and leafy, perfectly lit by the streetlights. The chubbier guard lowered his weapon somewhat.

"What is that? Is that a cabbage." he asked out loud.

"No, it's a unicorn." the other one snorted.

"Har har. You check it out." he poked him in the arm with the barrel of his his gun.

"Wuss." rolling his eyes, the 'braver' guard strode over to the cabbage, and proceeded to cower theatrically.

"Oh, no, scary cabbage! I'm so terrifie-" he was cut off as a hand shot out from around the corner, grabbed him by the armor, and snatched him away. There was a girlish scream, which was quickly cut off. The chubbier guard started to scream, the sound increasing in pitch as the geth appeared from behind the wall.

His screams ceased when he got hit in the face with a cabbage at a force most cabbages ostensibly had not been thrown with, making this particular cabbage a very special vegetable, indeed. Or a rather unfortunate one, depending on point of view.

Legion took the rifle and sidearm from the first guard, checking them briefly before continuing, several of it's runtimes dedicating themselves to sweeping for access to Garrus' visor or Tali's comms, and several others started checking regularly for Prothean technology or lifesigns. _Access point located. Garrus Vakarian is not responding._ _Repeating request for confirmation of safety._

 _Note: if Garrus Vakarian has been incapacitated/killed, further requests for response will remain unanswered. Situation acknowledged._ _Request unanswered._

Three more mercenaries burst out of the door, and the Geth gunned them down with ease. They did not appear to have very good training. It glanced at the cabbage once, before picking it up and continuing. Inside, the mercs were surprisingly low in number. _Prothean lifesigns detected._

 _ **"We located both our allies and their belongings before freeing them."**_

The Geth paused before smashing in the face of a Turian merc, the collar of his armor held in a titanium grip. It regarded the tactical visor that he had stolen.

"This does not belong to you." it stated, carefully removing the visor from his face as he struggled to break free. Legion threw him out the window, and proceeded to search the other mercs, finding their leader had confiscated Javik's pistol, as well as Tali's omnitool, which was now functional.

Following the lifesigns, which now indicated both Turian and Quarian presence in the makeshift holding cells down the hall, the geth set it's cabbage down before ripping open the nearest door. In it, was Garrus himself.

"Legion!" the Turian's face lit up, and an odd power fluctuation passed through Legion's runtimes, something that, were it an organic, might have been recognized as pride.

"Garrus Vakarian." it stepped into the room. "We are here to retrieve allied assets."

"Good boy!" Garrus praised.

"Is that Legion?" asked Tali's voice from the next room over as the geth bent down and ripped the cuffs off Garrus' wrists.

"Affirmative, Creator Zorah." it answered, handing Garrus his visor(which was very quickly affixed to his face once more).

"Fantastic." came a muffled(and highly sarcastic) drawl from another room as the Geth and turian left through the torn-out door. "The machine has has come to save us. I cannot express how _overjoyed_ I am."

"Play nice, Javik; he's here to help." Garrus admonished as Legion ripped the locks off both the doors. It tore open the one containing Tali, while Garrus pried Javik's cell open with a crow bar. "But nice work on the sarcasm; I might have taught you well after all."

"Turian, there is nothing you could teach me that I would want to know." Legion tore the cuffs off of Tali, and she pat the mobile platform's shoulder.

"Good work, Legion." she jumped to her feet, and paused. "Wha-why are you covered in vegetable matter?"

"We were biotically thrown into a cabbage cart, and fell approximately twenty meters downward." it told her.

* * *

 _"Alright, so you guys escaped. What did you do after that?" Bailey folded his hands in his lap._

 _"Using available resources, we determined that the leader of the operation to kill Garrus Vakarian was a Turian by the name of Stultus Erratum-" Garrus snickered "- and that his base of operations was in a building at the other end of the ward."_

 _"And what's so funny about the name 'Stultus'?" even Javik was smirking. But Garrus could barely contain himself._

 _"Sorry." his voice quavered. "But I just can't help it."_

 _"I'm... just gonna assume it's something about the translation." the Commander shook his head. "So, what? You guys just sat there and made up a plan?"_

 _At that, Garrus and Javik suddenly looked fairly sheepish, the Turian's mandibles flicking nervously. Tali simply crossed her arms._

 _"Go ahead, Garrus." she prompted stonily. "Tell them what happened."_

 _"Does it have to be me?"_

 _"I have a shotgun."_

 _"Hey, Javik, maybe_ you _cou-OW!"_

* * *

"Hostile forces detected." Legion alerted them, still holding steadfast to it's cabbage.

"Alright, change of plan; Legion, Tals, you two find the nearest skycar once it's clear." Garrus declared, checking the rifle he'd picked off one of the corpses. "Javik, you're with me. How much juice you got left in your biotics?"

"Enough to kill mercenaries with." the point was emphasized by a faint blue glow. The Turian nodded in satisfaction; they were going to do this!

"Alright, then lets-" he never finished the sentence as the door was blasted off it's hinges, followed by jets of grey-blue smoke.

"GAS!" he dove for cover, but wound up crashing into Javik as all feeling in his extremities ceased. For a few moments, it felt like needles were stabbed into him all over his body, and when the sensation stopped, he found himself limp on the floor, unable to move. He did, however, have enough use of his jaw to say one thing.

"Thresher spit."

* * *

 **Indeed, Garrus. Indeed.**

 **This Is Sarcasm: I always wanted an excuse to write Garrus into a sword fight. Originally, it was going to be three-way with Javik involved, but it was just too 'busy' and too long.**

 **Marika Haliwell: Glad I managed to capture him the way you envisioned. And I hope you enjoy this chapter as well!**

 **Whew, FINALLY! I had some SERIOUS writers block for this chapter. As you can see, I've gotten over it... kind of. Expect another long wait, because in my mainstream fic, I've reached a point I've wanted to get to for years, and I'll probably be focused on that.**

 **Next Time: Tali finds herself as a glorified babysitter, Garrus falls in love with man's best friend, and Legion is unreasonably protective of his cabbage.**

 **Cheers!^^**


End file.
